Where I Have Been

I have been very absent from blogging lately but it is all for a reason. Everything has gone topsy-turvy here in our household and I feel that I barely have time to check my email anymore.

I have been involved with the musical "State Fair" and that has been taking a lot of my time. At first it wasn't that bad and I only had a few rehearsals a week and then I got a tad bit crazier when we opened and were there almost every night. Even though it got busier I could still handle everything at home.

My life got crazy when I got summoned to be a juror. I figured I wouldn't be picked considering my age but I figured wrong. I was the last one picked but I was picked. This trial is supposed to last for another few weeks and I am panicking trying to find places that Luke can stay. I am so thankful to have the family that I have because they have all stepped up to help with Luke.

I understand that it is hard to leave a child but I feel it is even harder for me than most parents because I am afraid that because I am not taking care of Luke that he is going to get sick again. It's probably unfounded because I know that my mom and sisters do just as good as a job as me but I think that I know his sick signs better. Every day that I am away from him it hurts just a little more on the inside.

I know that jury duty is something that is my Civic duty and I know that it is perfectly acceptable to leave Luke for something that I can't get out of. However, I feel disgusted with myself as a mother because I feel that Luke doesn't have his mother. I feel that I am abandoning him. It's this strange feeling and it makes me want to vomit when I think about how much he will be in the care of other people for the next few weeks. I believe that God is Sovereign and that this is all here because He ordained it yet I almost feel like this is more than I can handle.

I have moments of perfect sanity and then I have moments of complete lunacy. I feel as if I am going insane but then there are moments when I relax and allow God to move in me that I feel as if I could take on the world. I don't know why I am so mixed up right now. Everything seems skewed to me even everyday things that I have dealt with many times before seem to be changed and twisted and more difficult.

I am exhausted, nauseated most of the time, getting over a cold, sore from walking, and have blisters on my feet. I am not saying this to complain I am just showing what jury duty does to a person! I don't even think I was this mentally and physically drained after I had Luke. I never feel rejuvenated anymore.

I am praying that this week goes better seeing how I am almost done with my cold. I think that the cold really hurt me last week. Anyways, I am off to go wash dishes and clothes. I am waaaay behind and need to get Luke some clean clothes and bottles because I am having to ship him off Sunday night again.

Oh boy, here come the tears again.....