Thursday, May 6, 2010

Just trying to Survive... and to change

Lately I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water. That is why I have not posted in awhile :(

I am finally caught up on laundry, my house in some semblance of cleanliness, and Luke is on his VEST. It is time to blog.

Lately my life has been chaotic and tumultuous. There are things that have happened that I am not proud of but we have moved on and are now flowing into the ebb of our family life and the new schedule that we have.

Why do we have a new schedule? Dan got a new job in the City. So that means that he has quite the commute. He isn't home very much so almost all of the taking care of the kids falls on me. I am fine with this. A few months ago I may have balked at the idea and protested, thinking that it's my right to have a break. That I should be allowed some freedom. I don't really view motherhood like that anymore. I now view motherhood as my ministry. It is my job and I enjoy doing it. I am finding that the more I am thankful and appreciative of my children the less I freak out if things don't go according to plan.

I still have my meltdowns and I still feel like giving up some days but God is giving me the grace to get through and I feel that I am finally realizing the power of grace in our lives. I am praying that my new appreciation and understanding of grace will help me to extend grace to others and to not get so worked up over the little things.

Grace abounds in the chief of sinners and I can testify to this fact. I also know that since grace has been extended to me, it's now my turn to extend grace to others. I am now choosing to overlook others faults and sins and love them for who they can be and what God can do in their lives. Being judgmental and harsh is something that I am shunning. I am going to strive to show grace to others so that through my grace showing they will see a teeniest, tiniest example of grace that God extends to those that He calls.

I am hoping that over the next few months/years I will build a stronger base of my theological views. I used to think that knowing theology was prideful, that when people spewed off all of the -ism's that they were just showing off. I now know differently. Knowing what I believe is just as important as believing. I am not willing to be blind and ignorant anymore.

I finally feel the freedom to become theologically sound without the fear that what I am doing is something that only men do. That is a lie and I feel it is a reason that there are so many weak and fickle women in the Christian realm. I am NOT choosing to be taken with every wind and doctrine. Instead I am choosing to become knowledgeable so that I can then teach these truths to my most important undertaking. My children.

This may be disjointed and it may be weak but I will never claim to be a writer. I am just a woman (although I feel like a girl) that is trying to experience a deeper, more meaningful walk with her Savior.


Matthew Black said...

Courtnie, awesome post. I pray we all will have the heart and balance that you wrote about. God bless you sister!